Ever see a goat in a garter belt?

John Denver said “life on the farm is kind of laid back.”  He obviously didn’t have any goats.  Because believe me, having a few attention-hungry, Houdini-like escape-artist goats around definitely adds variety and excitement to the mix. 

Most of the time I think raising goats is not all it’s cracked up to be.  I wonder if their introduction to the farm was similar to the path to hell, just paved with good intentions.  Granted, they are adorable and very affectionate.  But they can also escape from a four-walled, floored and roofed enclosure.  You have to watch them constantly.  Needless to say, they definitely keep things interesting.

The goats arrived unexpectedly (at least by me) about this time last spring.  My hubby came in with two pygmy goats in the back of his truck and announced that there they were – my goats – like a present or something.  This after we just had a discussion two weeks earlier when I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable tending to goats since I really didn’t know anything about them.  Right, that conversation never gelled in the hubby’s mind.  So now I had two, tiny, baby pygmy goats that he purchased from some dude off Craigslist.  I called the local vets, asked questions, tried to figure out if these animals were healthy or not and began taking care of them the best I could.  We named them Bonnie and Clyde and I was guessing that they were siblings.

After about a day, we figured out that Bonnie was pregnant.  It was kind of obvious when I was examining her and her tummy kicked me.  My best guess was that she was about five or maybe six months old – WAY too early to kid.  So, I called the vets again.  Went through the check-up, provided her with the extra nutrition she needed and crossed my fingers.  Read a lot about goats on Google.  I spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying.

And I wasn’t worrying for nothing.  In a few more days, it was obvious that she was not well.  Both goats looked poor to me, but the toll the kid(s) were taking on Bonnie was intense.  She literally started wasting away.  I consulted neighbors with goats, the vets again, the internet.  I tried to help her work it through her system, I gave her penicillin shots in case of infection, vitamins to help her cope, and I walked her trying to get her bowels to move.  I even gave her a baby enema at one vet’s suggestion.  And I can honestly say to you that I never thought I would ever give ANYTHING an enema, let alone a goat.  Everyone tried to tell me that when a goat gives up that there’s pretty much nothing else you can do.  I refused to believe that.  But nothing worked and she passed away, comfortably I hope, in her sleep a few days later.

That left Clyde.  Clyde is a non-neutered male who is about a year and a half old and he is completely obsessed with my husband’s attention.  He is totally in love with Jay- Jay is HIS person.  I would almost say that Clyde is gay (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that), so deep is his affection for Jay.  But since our female is pregnant, he must just be bi-species.  Because it just doesn’t matter to Clyde if Jay is mad at him or not, he wants Jay there.  Clyde is a mini-Houdini, so adept at escape, that in order to keep track of him, we have to periodically tie him up to keep him from hurting himself.  In the amount of time it takes for Jay to harness Clyde and come back into the house, Clyde has managed to wrap himself around at least a dozen trees that didn’t exist when Jay left him, turn over his water bucket, scatter his feed, and become vocal at the travesty.  And dutifully, Jay walks back outside, releases Clyde from the harness, patiently untangles the cable, and reworks the line back through the trees that were not there before.  He removes the trees from the lot to be mulched.  All this time, Clyde waits patiently, nudging Jay affectionately with his head, standing there, chewing his cud, waiting until Jay is ready to put the harness back on him.  He does it at least 10 times a day. 

Clyde also likes to periodically get into the chicken lot and climb anything in the area.  He likes to climb; I’ve seen him stand on not much more than a fence post.  He just likes to be up there where he can see things I guess.  I love to watch him run – it’s like Pepe Le Pew from the Bugs Bunny Cartoons except in SUPER-fast motion.  He shakes his head like a tiger and terrifies my mother.  He also tries to break into the house through the sliding glass doors from time to time.  He wants to live with Jay, 24x7.  Clyde is so in love – so very much in love.  In fact, I just said last night that perhaps we should dress Clyde up a little, maybe put a garter belt on him, you know, to help with his self-esteem and let him pretty-up a little as he’s obviously got the hots for Jay.  Jay was not amused… but I only have to amuse myself and that’s easy.

Right now, we have two goats – Clyde is joined by the beautiful Bailey.  Bailey is NOTHING like Clyde.  She is a mamma’s girl.  A gift from a dear friend, Bailey is adorable and so pregnant that it hurts me to watch her walk around.  She is small and to quote the Bible, she is “great with child.”  Or kids in this case.  Unlike Clyde-Houdini, she stays put most of the time, and when she does escape, she just goes to the back deck and lays down in the shade.  She has the most beautiful blue eyes and her gentle little soul is so sweet.  I adore her.  She is funny – she rolls around in the grass, head-butts the cats, and just generally makes everyone who sees her smile.  She likes to graze my flowers – roses are her favorite.  I actually don’t know if I will have any roses bloom this year because of Bailey’s addiction.  Her babies are due in the next few weeks and in anticipation, we have bottles ready and Sav-A-Kid milk replacement just in case she has issues.  I am a sucker for babies – of any kind.  My son and I are so excited that we can’t even think!!!  But of course, then there will be more than two goats living on the farm.  And I imagine that will really up the crazy ante!  Anyway, let us know if you see a brown pygmy goat in a garter belt wondering around the backwoods.  Jay will be looking for him.

***NOTE - No goats were dressed in inappropriate underwear before, during or after the publication of this blog.  LOL